Britain, the once proud island nation that ruled a quarter of the world's land mass, has been euthanised at the Dignitas clinic in Switzerland, it was announced last night. This followed a majority vote among the 196 sovereign nations of the world at the UN that Britain was no longer able to live a fulfilling life and the kindest thing was to put him out of his misery.
According to the 186-5 majority vote, Britain's increasingly embarrassing conduct on the world stage had become intolerable and he had not made any worthwhile contribution to the world since the 1960s. With the advent of reality TV in the '90s, Britain became stuck in an infantile state and his condition has deteriorated alarmingly.
'I'll admit we were never close,' said Germany, which sponsored the motion. 'I tried to grit my teeth when Britain kept banging on about 'Two World Wars and One World Cup'. Once I retorted 'Three World Cups and One Ability to Adapt with the 20th Century', but nothing got through to him. Well, as Britain himself once said, enough's enough'.
The US, which seconded the motion, declined to comment beyond saying it had 'had enough of that special relationship crap Britain kept spouting. Declaration of Independence, 1776? Like, hello, independence from who? Durr'. In a written statement, co-sponsor Thailand added: 'Britain worst farang of all. Smell of chips, haggle over price. Bad bad man.'
Support for easing Britain's passing was not unanimous. Greece and Ireland, which both recently had applications for assisted financial suicide turned down, opposed the motion on the grounds that 'Life is precious' and 'We need the tourists'. Libya abstained pending a decision on whether the arms it bought from Britain would be adequate to fight off a French airborne assault.
Dignitas, which has put several terminally crap nations to sleep in recent years, told reporters that the end came peacefully. 'He mumbled something about going to a wedding next month, but we sat him down in front of Eastenders and injected some lethal tea into him, then he just drifted away in his sleep,' the clinic said.