David Cameron's face is looming larger than ever over Britain, astronomers have found.
'This remote, barren object was first sighted as recently as 2005,' said telegenic starmonger Professor Brian Cox. 'Since then it has hurtled rapidly upwards, and last night in particular it was more visible than ever, hanging ominously in the night sky with its inscrutable face turned towards the earth. It's a beautiful but disturbing sight.'
Cameron's face, previously thought to be the smoothest object in the known universe, has started to show signs of 'mild furrowing' in recent months. 'We think this may be linked to spurious activity by The Sun, and might have resulted in some dazzling night sky displays over Libya,' said Dr Pete Evans, political astronomer at Somerset University. 'Although on the whole it's pretty stable compared to the phenomenon Brown-G that we were observing previously - that went from a dark nebula to a huge, angry supernova to tiny, bitter dwarf star in just three years.'
Observers say that Cameron's face was at its largest last night, and is only expected to get bigger and more irritating in the years to come. 'It's not actually bigger, just closer,' Dr Evans explained. 'It just gets more noticeable the more it hangs there looking down its nose at you. And after recent cuts, there are only six planets left in the solar system, so you notice each one a bit more.'
'I wasn't even trying to spot it,' he went on. 'Though if you angle your telescope upwards a bit you can sometimes get a nice view of its perfectly-formed satellite, Samantha. Unless its twin, the yellow dwarf Clegg, gets in the way, which it usually does.'