With deep sadness in our heart, we regret to inform you that our much beloved monarch, Queen Elizabeth II, has died.
Distressing as this may be to some of us, there is the fear that the news of this tragedy may be overshadowed by the details of the conspiracy put in place to cover it up.
A palace source has felt ‘duty bound’ to break this story to us, in response to yesterday's botched attempt to assassinate Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall.
Our exclusive source has told us that the Queen passed away 'sometime in February', but due to the vital nature or role, her body was only discovered earlier this week. "Thank God, the Prime Minister decided to dissolve parliament when he did, otherwise we may not have noticed until Royal Ascot", our source sobbed. It appears that when Gordon Brown visited the palace on Tuesday he discovered Her Majesty slumped in her throne in a 'Miss Havisham-esque' scene.
No cause of death has yet been determined, but due to the faint traces of the beginnings of smile on her face, over-exertion is suspected.
The sudden nature of the death put the palace into a constitutional tailspin. The plan had always been to change the law so that upon Charles’ succession to the throne, Camilla’s title would have been “Definitely Not Queen”. However, the proposed change had not yet become law, being only half way through the statutory 8 years of bureaucracy. As a direct consequence, an emergency Plan B had to be invoked.
The contingency plan required Prince Charles to be persuaded to leave the palace, to go on an ‘alibi establishing’ hill-walking holiday in Scotland, whilst the death was announced. However, unbeknown to the Prince, a crack squad of elite British forces had been hastily scrambled to ‘take out’ the Duchess.
However fortunately, for the Duchess at least, the chronic shortage of equipment for the British armed forces came to her rescue. A high-ranking military insider has revealed that the hit squad’s request for ‘a 0.5 inch Barrett sniper rifle, Schmidt & Bender telescopic sight and full metal jacket rounds’ could not be supplied. However, they were told that they could have all the ‘slightly pointy sticks’ they wanted. As a consequence, the planned headshot at 1.5km had to be replaced with a ‘really nasty poke’ at close range. The broken leg that resulted from the fall that ensued has so far proved to be not fatal.
A date for the Queen’s state funeral has not yet been decided, although Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, has already started making plans to ship in busloads of professional mourners from Liverpool. “Diana really raised the bar, but I’m confident that the capital will see a whole new level of ‘disproportionate’ grief”, he stated.
Paul Burrell has been ‘too upset’ to comment.