Colonnel Gaddafi last night raised the spectre of him withholding his usually generous biennial donation to the Comic Relief , in the event of “any foreign military act” against his murderous regime.
In a short statement, issued via the Libyan State broadcaster LBS , Gaddafi announced that he probably wouldn’t watch any of this year’s event, adding that there was an important darts match on at his local and he would “probably wander down there at some point”.
However, those who claim to know the dictator’s mindset believe Gaddafi won’t feel safe at The Camel’s Hoof and fears that he will be besieged by an army of well-meaning students shaking cash tins while dressed like twats.
Head of the Interior Ministry, Ali Al Muktar said:
“If such an event were to occur, as head of the nation our glorious leader would feel pressured into throwing a few coins into the tin before ordering the collectors to be driven to a remote location and shot in the back of the head.”
“It could be anything up to 50 dinar depending on how many people are watching, “ he added.
Gaddafi’s latest threat was issued as Martin Bishop, a welder from Stevenage, prepared to lower himself into a bath filled with baked beans for forty-eight hours, egged on by a regional news crew.
However, in light of Gaddafi’s announcement, Bishop has hinted he may withdraw from the attempt and, with help from his brother in-law Derek, may opt to shave his balls instead.
Sources close to Gaddafi claim the dictator has become bored by the show’s tired format and its over-reliance on the puffed-up egos of comedy has-beens such as the post-Tiswas era Lenny Henry.
“The leader was briefly excited by rumours of a return of Bob Carolgees and Spit the Dog but became enraged when I informed him that it wasn’t even proper spitting and it’s just a noise he does at the back of his throat, “ Muktar continued.
“He’s been sat watching re-runs of Tiswas to see whether any phlegm leaves the dog’s mouth and so far he is distinctly unimpressed I can tell you.”
Despite the ratcheting up of UN aggression against Libya, there appeared to be some hope that Gaddafi might reconsider his decision today when the despot indicated he would “pay good money to see that welder shave off his nut-sack.”
However, Muktar finally conceded,
“If it’s anything like last year, it could all hang on whether Fiona Bruce gets her kit off . “