I feel I must complain in the strongest terms about the content of today's front page. Not only are we subjected to a gratuitous image of James Nesbitt, but it seems we must sit by while two people, who, incidentally, I believe to be writing under assumed names, mock the man's career; which has been dying on its arse since he was coerced into appearing in a series of ill advised yellow pages adverts some years back.
Can you please ensure that future front page stories do not include any elements of mockery, controversy, topicality, comedy, cock-er-ny, Shy guy a weh me wanty, wanty, wanty; Only him can make me feel irie? As Diana King so eloquently put it.
Unless things start to pick up soon, I will be writing in the strongest terms to OFBISCUIT; demanding that your satire licence be revoked; and that your annual bonus be distributed among animal charities, to be spent on the urgent rehabilitation of over-licked squirrels, cheeky penguins and badgers with arm induced walking disorders.
Oh and while you're at it, please have the decency to withdraw your planning application to build a biscuit themed theme park on the site of the derelict watering hole over yonder hillside.
Garibaldi World may well make you a few extra coppers, my man, but just you stop and think about all the poor wee orphans you'll be making homeless in the process. It'll be prostitution for half of them. Again.
Some bloke or other.