Daily Mail reporters are working 'round the clock' to identify a link between the Japanese earthquake and either cancer, house prices or political correctness, the paper's editor has said.
'My staff are working heroically to find an angle that will make this story interesting to the British public,' said editor Paul Dacre. 'We understand our responsibility to bring people the news, and that's what we'll do just as soon as we can express it in terms they'll understand.'
While the Mail's team of in-house estate agents are said to be 'struggling to find a house price angle,' its medical researchers are 'close' to identifying how the quake could cause an increase in leukaemia among brave British schoolchildren. 'In just a few more days we should have enough spurious pseudo-science to be able to finally tell the British people all about this tragedy,' Dacre said. 'It's a race against time, because there's a rising chance that a nuclear reactor will explode - in which case we'll just go with 'EU health & safety bureaucrats to blame for nuclear apocalypse'.'