There was consternation yesterday when it was realised that the full ramifications of the European Union’s General Recalibration Directive – Senior Citizens (Female) would mean that the little old lady, a traditional sight on the nation’s streets, would be phased out by Autumn 2014.
Under the EU directive the official height description for all ladies over the age of 65 will be altered irrevocably as follows:
Ladies under 1.45 m (4 ft 9 inches) = Petite or Small
Ladies from 1.45 to 1.65 (5 ft 5 inches) = Moyenne or Medium
Ladies above 1.65 = Grande or Tall.
These radical changes, designed to give southern European old ladies their own height category, will result in the British little old lady, whose average height is a headscarf thickness over five feet, becoming a ‘medium old lady’ at the stroke of midnight on 1st October 2014.
Pensioner Gloria Spencer was apprehensive when informed of the changes. ‘This is a real worry. It means all of my clothes will be the wrong size. I am on a fixed income and I will struggle to replace my wardrobe now that I’m going to be medium height.’
Also likely to suffer from the Directive will be the Post Office. A recent survey discovered that at any one time 75% of their queues comprised of little old ladies. Jack Humbrel, a post office worker was bewildered. ‘I’ve no idea what we’re going to do if the little old dears are replaced,’ he said. ‘I guess we will have to reposition all of the letter boxes to cater for the new taller customers for a start.’
An EU spokesman described the decision as a ‘tough one’, adding ‘these hard decisions are exactly what EU’s ministers are not elected to do.’
Next on the EU’s list of ‘vital reforms’ is the redefinition of little old men, but opposition is mounting. UKIP leader Nigel Farage said last night ‘The Europeans have reached an all time low and we will go to great lengths to avoid our little old men being shafted by the EU. After what they did to the little old dears, we have the moral high ground.’