Phil ‘The Greek’ Windsor, the long-time enforcer for Britain’s notorious Royal crime family, is considering coming out of retirement for one last big payday. Some believe that he is just waiting for the nod from the much-feared clan matriarch Liz ‘Corgis’ Windsor to liquidate a wayward younger member known only as ‘Andy the Duke of York’.
‘Even though Phil The Greek only entered the Royal clan by marriage, he became its toughest enforcer,’ commented undercover journalist James Whittaker, who boasts unrivalled contacts in Britain’s secretive criminal clans. ‘When Organic Charlie’s wife went off with some greaser all those years ago, they turned to Phil to whack them in a tunnel in Paris.’
According to insiders, Andy the Duke of York has brought embarrassment on the Royals by flaunting his associations with some shady goons down in Florida and the feds are now turning up the heat. Phil the Greek had retired from his hitman role in high dudgeon some years ago when he was refused permission to whack Andy’s wife ‘Freebie Fergie’ - 'Dumb broad called her daughters Beryl and Evian or something like that' - but now he is sorely tempted to come back for one last big job.
‘You know the trouble with these young kids? They had it too easy,’ Phil reportedly told an associate at a strip joint last night. ‘When I started out on the mean streets of Corfu, I didn’t got two palaces to rub together. That little York sleazeball acting the big guy, he better learn some respect or he’s gonna find a present in his bed and a very unhappy polo team, capisc’?’
While some insiders are urging Phil The Greek to rub Andy out, others still regard him as a loose cannon and still resent his cruel mockery of Liz’s stammering father ‘Bertie Two-Times’. Meanwhile, some observers believe that Phil should stick to his lucrative second career in light-hearted racist banter, which has made him a cult hero in some quarters.
‘Phil’s too old for this game – he should pass his lead-weighted baton on to Peter ‘The Prop’ Phillips and stick to insulting deaf Chinese orphans when they present him with a papier mache model of a crown,’ said another underworld insider Richard Kay. ‘Besides, there are parts of Somerset where 'whacking the Duke of York' is a euphemism for masturbation. And others where it’s still a rallying cry to join the Monmouth Rebellion.’
[From the original by Rikkor, with contributions from thisisall1word, Riesler, Golgo13 and Rick Westwell. You guys are amazing, I love you all, mwah mwah]
