After initial setbacks with its election pledge to reintroduce Village Idiots, followed by the roll out of a parallel Urban Idiot initiative, the Coalition finally expects to achieve success in Westminster.
Home Secretary Theresa May said the Village Idiot concept was a low-cost, Big Society solution to the general malaise felt in many communities. ‘In times gone by, every village had one or more simple-minded social outcasts who were delusional and unemployable and often had substance abuse problems,’ she said. ‘Rather than being a drain on society by demanding rehabilitation, these people became a valuable focus for the rest of the community, whose wellbeing could be improved by abusing and looking down on the local Idiot.’
However, attempts to reintroduce the scheme in modern villages failed after entire populations were branded as idiots. Long term residents earned the accolade for attempting to continue living an outmoded lifestyle despite unaffordable property prices, lack of schools and no proper shops, while second homers suffered opprobrium for overpaying for a place with poor communications, bad smells and no Waitrose.
The much-vaunted Urban Idiot scheme hit immediate setbacks in inner city areas, where the simple-minded, delusional, unemployable, substance-abusing social misfits spent their time cruelly mocking the small minority of idiots mad enough to work, have a mortgage and keep their children indoors at night.
Undeterred, Ms May pressed on and unearthed what she called one of the few promising schemes inherited from the last administration. ‘We discovered a scheme under which one designated Idiot would be appointed in each of 650 ‘constituencies’ across the country. Apparently people would turn out in their thousands to vote for their choice of Idiot, who could then be blamed for absolutely everything and would keep coming back for more punishment,’ she said.
‘And to keep them out of harm’s way and to provide additional entertainment, these Constituency Idiots are to be cooped up for much of the year in a monitored unit in Westminster where they can scream mindless abuse at one another. It’s an absolute winner. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and announce this initiative to the House.’