Lord Vader confirmed today that more Jedi Knights have left the rebel alliance and sworn allegiance to the Emperor, having become disillusioned with the alliance’s liberal attitudes towards ‘women, aliens and ickle, wickle fluffy animals’.
‘I told you Princess Leia would be a disaster’ said one departing Knight. ‘She was only in charge for five minutes and along come orders to be nice to the bloody Ewoks! Bollocks to that.’
Fringe members of the alliance have always been attracted to Imperial customs. ‘Grey uniforms are just so much more practical than white, don’t you think?’ said one commander. ‘And my battle cruiser runs like clockwork since I introduced Imperial discipline on board. The odd instant punishment by death for poor performance never hurt anybody, in my book.’
The Emperor, aware of disquiet within the rebellion, has created a new battalion in his army to smooth the reception of disgruntled Knights. Provided they renounce everything the rebellion stood for, and affirm that the Emperor was right all along, recruits are allowed to keep their Jedi traditions, including the wearing of light sabres (restricted to Wednesdays), bad haircuts, transatlantic accents, and ‘that weird game they do with the ball buzzing about’.
The rebel high command remain mystified that so many would desert their cause, but are stoical. ‘You say turning to the dark side, I say coming home’ said one former Jedi. ‘For me, the rebellion against the Emperor was always about unity with the Emperor – after all, we all follow the same force – don’t we?’