The government has announced that a new road sign will shortly be appearing on Britain's roads, warning motorists of unnecessary signs ahead.
The Transport minister, Keith Brown, said at a press conference today that he was aware that there are too many unnecessary road signs on Britain's roads.
'For example,' he said, 'there are those stupid signs when you go down hill telling you to "select low gear". Now that might have been good enough for Labour, but we're not going to tell you which gear to use! This government will allow motorists to choose whichever gear they want! So every where that there's a "select low gear" sign, you will shortly find an Unnecessary Sign Ahead sign warning of it, so you can safely ignore it.
'Then there's those signs in random places telling you to "test your brakes", which generally appears on a dual carriageway, and can lead to mass carnage if someone actually did try their brakes. We've no idea what they are doing there, so each one will have an Unnecessary Sign Ahead sign.
'And what about signs telling you there's a bend ahead? If you can't work out what's going to happen when the road goes round a corner, you shouldn't be allowed to drive. So there are some more Unnecessary Sign Ahead signs.
'However, if it is subsequently found that some of these signs are in fact necessary, we will indicate this by putting up an Unnecessary Sign Ahead sign before the Unnecessary Sign Ahead sign, to tell motorists that they can ignore the Unnecessary Sign Ahead sign and concentrate on the actual sign.
'We're sure that drivers will be very grateful that they no longer have to take notice of unnecessary road signs, and can concentrate on driving when they see and Unnecessary Sign Ahead sign.
'The sign itself will be six feet in diameter, and on a bright yellow background there will be a cartoon of a man smacking his palm against his forehead. I'm sure that when motorists see one of these signs they will immediately think of this government.'
Quick links: NewsBiscuit Home • Chat Room • Writers' Room • Top Ten
Government to introduce Unnecessary Signs Ahead road sign
(31 posts) (20 voices)
-
John Wiltshire
offlineMemberPosted 2 years ago # -
On a related note, I've always thought that the "Thanks for driving carefully" signs that adorn some of this nation's villages should be significantly larger. On a number of occasions I've nearly crashed while trying to read the signs at high speed, worried it was alerting me of something important.
And I should add that I like it. Good work.
Posted 2 years ago # -
John Wiltshire
offlineMemberThat's another odd sign. It's like ones which say 'Little Boddington welcomes careful drivers'. I have seen no evidence of a welcome - no groups of fair village maidens garlanding the road as I drive at 28mph in a 30mph zone.
And as well as signs saying 'Thank you for driving carefully', should there not be one for the drivers who drive like nutters, saing 'You ****ing idiot! You could have killed someone! Don't come back again!'Posted 2 years ago # -
beau-jolly
offlineMemberMost unnecessary sign I ever saw just stated "Birds drive slowly".
There is a also a big home-made sign near here that states "No giant windmills here" Absolutely true, there are none. Why do people make these unnecessary signs?Posted 2 years ago # -
OldThingy
offlineMemberOne day, in addition to Road signs, the government may introduce Rude signs such as the "two-fingers" for coming to a fork in the road (also with alternative meaning)and the "middle-finger" sign for check your exhaust.
Fist sign, point sign for "no bunching"
"shrug sign" to inform drivers that nobody is looking - do what you like. Then there will be the smiley, angry and puzzled signs like emoticons.Race relations may soon take away the "black man with umbrella ahead" sign together with all the cones...Fat chance.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Zadok the second
offlineMemberFor years there were signs around Spaghetti Junction that said - "Danger, men working below".
Yes? How precisely would you like me to adjust my driving to engage with this hazard, other than a gentle bit of perspiration on the upper lip in anticipation of a chunk of motorway that I'm driving on plummetting half a mile to the ground?
Posted 2 years ago # -
beau-jolly
offlineMember"Blind summit" always amuses me. We don't know what it do be but we knows it can't see you.
Posted 2 years ago # -
nealdoran
offlineMemberNot sure if this is happening in the UK, but here in Ireland there are a lot more notices written on the road itself with the words ordered as if you first read the one nearest to you as you approach, rather than starting at the top and working down like you do in every other instance of written English I can think of. Makes me inordinately irritable, and I have no idea why they do it. In an imaginary world where I can actually dirve, by the time I've read DOWN SLOW, realised they mean SLOW DOWN, and ranted under my breath for a few seconds, there's every chance I'll have ploughed into the lollipop lady at the school crossing that was supposed to be served by the earlier written warning.
But then this problem may just be something that affects me -- one of these days I'm going to get knocked over at a pedestrian crossing as I often find myself halfway across the road, reading the upside down (to me) sign on the road that says LOOK RIGHT and doing what it says, meaning I'm looking in precisely the wrong direction to spot approaching traffic.
Not really relevant but glad to finally have a forum to unburden myself on these things.
Love the sub, by the way!
Posted 2 years ago # -
theumpire
offlineMemberHow about those massive Motorway illuminated signs which say something like . . .
Newbury 30 miles
26 minutes
They only ever do that sort of thing when there are no delays. Did anyone ever see Gravesend 27 miles 6 hours 30 minutes?
Those signs, I believe, cost £175,000 each. What a waste of our money. Could have been spent on 5 stars for JW.
Posted 2 years ago # -
John Wiltshire
offlineMemberThanks everyone! I've been away for a few days, but as the man said, 'hello, hello, I'm back again, I'm back, I'm back...' Oh hold on, that was Gary Glitter.
Anyway, on the subject of road signs. I'm always bemused at the ones at junctions which say 'Ahead only.' Maybe this is because in the past drivers have suddenly reversed, or gone sideways. Or just stopped there forever.
And that one in the back of cars always gets me - 'Baby on board.' Why display that sign? Is it because the paretns have been trying to have one for ten years and now they're proudly tellng the world they've managed it? Or is it to prevent other motorists deliberately smashing into the back of their car? 'I was going to really whack the Ford in front up the rear, but seeing the sign saying they have a baby on board, I decided to keep my distance.'
And the variation on it, 'Small person on board', always makes me think of Wee Jimmy Krankie - which is a very good reason for drving a massive artic at the vehicle in question. How could anyone be Wee Jimmy Krankie for so long?? Or at all?
You see, my holiday did me the world of good!
Posted 2 years ago # -
The Paper Ostrich
offlineMemberI scorned the "baby on board" sign while the present Mrs O was pregnant, but then my mother-in-law told us that the reason they are advisable is that if there is a terrible accident and your family car is reduced to a mangled wreck, a Baby On Board sign lying amidst the smouldering wreckage will encourage the emergency services to keep digging until they find your offspring even if you are unconscious or severely injured or drunk.
She's a ray of sunshine, my mother-in-law.
Posted 2 years ago # -
John Wiltshire
offlineMemberAnd conversely, if the sign says Small Person On Board, the emergency services will dance with glee as there's finally an end to Wee Jimmy Krankie.
By the way, the other evening I came back from the pub with a mate of mine, and saw six yobs beating up my mother in law. 'Aren't you going to help?' asked my mate. 'No,' I said, 'six should be enough.'
Posted 2 years ago # -
be reasonable
offlineMember"By the way, the other evening I came back from the pub with a mate of mine, and saw six yobs beating up my mother in law. 'Aren't you going to help?' asked my mate. 'No,' I said, 'six should be enough"... love it; whenever I see a sign saying 'family butchers' I'm often tempted to pop in to ask 'how much to do mine?'
Posted 2 years ago # -
John Wiltshire
offlineMemberAnother Les Dawson line - 'I knew the mother in law was coming because the mice were throwing themselves on their traps.'
Um, just a thought, people but - anyone got anything amusing to say about, er, road signs? Otherwise this could end up like something from Jim Davidson - and we don't want that, do we boys and girls!
Posted 2 years ago #
Reply »
You must log in to post.