The Duke of York has let it be known that he very much regrets his association with Jeffrey Epstein, and that he has made some new friends.
'I think that contacts within show business are important,' said the Duke, 'as one needs to keep "with it", as you young people say. And fortunately I was recently approached by Jonathan King and Gary Glitter, who told me they take a great deal of interest in young people, which is great news. I mentioned Bea and Eugenie to them, and they said something about "too old". I suppose they must have meant that they felt they were too old for the girls, so I reassured them that the girls are very much "with it" and really "dig" pop music. I've given them long playing records by one of one's favourites, The Bay City Rollers. They were quite speechless at my thoughtfulness!
'Anyway, Jonathan and Gary are very keen for me to introduce them to young people, so I'm going to have a big party at my house for a crowd of youngsters to meet my new friends. They're so thoughtful - they know I am a very busy man (press take note!), so they said I don't need to be there, as they will look after the youngsters themselves.
'It's important to learn from one's past unfortunate associations, and I know Jonathan and Gary will once again add to my reputation.'