In the midst of the ensuing economic crisis, the Irish Government yesterday took a step back to address matters of a more cultural nature.
"We are in dark times. A time of regret and a time of humility," gravely intoned the Irish Minister for Culture and Stuff. "And out of this humility, we are taking the opportunity to apologise for one of the most heinous crimes this country has ever perpetrated. That crime, is the creation of the pop abomination known as Jedward"
The official apology comes in the wake of recent evidence linking the pop duo's artificial conception to an abandoned laboratory located just outside Termonfeckin (a real place). The laboratory had been linked to an illegal cloning operation three years ago, whereby scientists attempted in vain to create a younger clone of Michael Flatley. "We thought it would help the economy, give it a boost. Like back in 1994, the good old days. But the procedure went awry. The clone divided into two parts, and neither fully matured. There were serious side effects too: the hair mutated and the accent never fully Americanised...it was a downright failure."
The cloning operation was subsequently abandoned and the laboratory torched. The resultant clones nevertheless survived the fire, free to roam the Louth countryside, before finally making their way to Dublin and a fateful audition for The X-Factor.
"Once again, we apologise deeply and sincerely," continued the Irish Minister for Culture and Stuff. "These were the actions of a bitter country, a country that faced recession just around the corner. A country that wanted to inflict pain on the world, in the form of two tone-deaf teenagers. Ireland asks for your forgiveness."
The Irish Minister made the heartfelt speech yesterday at a press conference held in Dublin. In a show of support, public apologies have been issued by several other countries: Britain for Steps, Canada for Justin Bieber and Transylvania for the Cheeky Girls
The Irish Minister added: "we also feel a little guilty about the existence of Louis Walsh. Er..sorry about that."