Medical Officers at the World Health Organisation have announced that they now have the means to eradicate Bieber Fever within a generation.
Since the 1960’s, virologists have struggled to keep pace with those hysterical infections that afflict millions of pre-pubescent girl world wide. In 1969, doctors were able to isolate the reproductive element of Beatle Mania by getting Yoko Ono to lick a petra dish. Since then, however, there have been a number serious set backs as the basic ‘Beatlemania’ virus has jumped from one female generation to another through carriers such as Abba, The Bay City Rollers, and Bros. Scientists have been quick to respond to random outbreaks. They were fortunately able to contain the self-replicating Jedward virus in the first stage of cell division by trapping them in a long pantomime run in Dublin. Experts are convinced that if both twins had split into another two twins, the deaths through punctured eardrums could have numbered thousands.
Dr Serge Butterman, lead researcher on the Bieber Project, says that over time young girls develop natural immunity as they cut off their pigtails, move out of the family home, start dabbling with recreational drugs and maybe lose their virginity to a slightly inconsiderate older boy. Yet, with the advent of lip-syncing that became symptomatic after the Milli Vanilli outbreak of the mid-eighties, medics have struggled to deal with the virulent spread of the Bieber Virus which is transmitted not just through CD’s, merchandise and concerts but also through Youtube, Twitter and illegal downloads.
Butterman says that, ‘The Biber Virus is unlike anything we have ever seen. When we were dealing with the Hanna Montana mutation, all we had to do was post on the Internet a few anonymous paparazzi shots of Miley Cyrus getting out of a car with no knickers on. Bieber only has one area of weakness.... and that is his hair. In recent days we have been able to infiltrate his dressing room and change his brand of hair-gel. This has meant that his hair now has a fuzzier, fluffier quality that makes him look less like a male Barbie doll and more like an over-used toothbrush. The next stage is trying to engineer his first spot and if we get pus from that, we have our vaccine’.
It is suspected that Bieber himself is not patient zero but was infected by a dancing albino monkey shipped illegally from Africa.