Buckingham Palace has today shocked Hollywood by claiming Crown ownership of Oscar-winning actress Natalie Portman following her lead role in the film, The Black Swan.
The Queen, who owns all swans in the UK, declared that Natalie Portman should be counted as “one of hers” after Prince Phillip returned from the pictures saying, “either special effects have got bloody good, or we’ve had an escapee from the royal flock, ma’am, and I rather fancy it’s the latter.”
As a UK-based swan, Miss Portman will now be required to take part in the annual swan upping ceremony where swans are marked by Mr Barber, swan marker to the Queen. Mr Barber explained what Miss Portman will have to look forward to during the ancient ceremony,
“The birds are snared with a long hook before being thrown up onto the bank. Once laid out on the bank, Natalie will have her legs trussed with twine. We anticipate that she’ll put up a good fight, but we’ll do all we can to ensure she stays injury free; we don’t want to bruise Her Majesty’s pets.
"Once firmly secured Natalie will be weighed and checked for any lead weights she may have swallowed and have any fishing line untangled from her wings. The female birds often struggle when we try to weigh them but they soon calm down when they realise that they can loose up to 8 ounces with the removal of just one fishing weight."
Mr Barber has warned his team to move quickly as there is a strong possibility the actress has been tipped off. "She was recently noticeable by her absence at the Baftas in London, claiming her pregnancy prevented her appearance. Well if that's true then we have one of the Queen's cygnets at stake as well. We can't allow these two to be part of the spring migration."
