The Church of England confirmed yesterday that it will soon require female adherents to cover their heads in public, and that the covering should be ‘fluffy, preferably woollen, with a pom-pom on top’.
‘We’re sick of losing ground to stricter religions’ said a spokesman. ‘The bobble hat, as well as ensuring a lady’s modesty, represents an English cultural tradition going back many years. We’re not saying anyone who refuses to wear it is going to hell. We’re just saying they’re probably a slut’.
A pilot study in south London revealed strong support among conservative Evangelicals for the move. After two months of hat-wearing last summer the congregation of Holy Trinity, Wallington went even further, forcing their women to wear anoraks when out and about. It is understood extremist fringes quickly added waterproof trousers to the uniform, ‘just in case’.
Observers noted the reversal of the Church’s previous tolerant position, which saw many women ordained to positions of authority. ‘We’ve thought of that’ said the spokesman. ‘Their bobble hats will be called ‘Birettas’ Others pointed out that the church pension board became a major investor in Millets, the high street camping equipment store, only last month.
There are already signs that the new approach might boost attendance figures. ‘I never knew what the C of E stood for’ said Stacey Williams, 23. ‘But now I know it has a random, defeminising dress code that will make me stand out in public, I’m definitely more interested. Let’s hope they’ve got a new, impossibly strict moral rule book to boot.’
