The government has unveiled a radical new plan which will enable it to cut all of its Sure Start Centres and replace them with an alternative child care facility which will actually generate income. From April, all Sure Start Centres will be relocated to branches of Wacky Warehouse which are conveniently found all around the country, located inside pubs. Staffing bills will be virtually wiped out by laying off current staff and appointing local people who are currently serving community service orders and ASBOs.
It is hoped the newly rebranded 'Wacky Start Centres' will provide a much needed cash injection to children's services as well as supporting struggling pub landlords thanks to the high charges that the play centres traditionally apply to their food and drink. A 250ml bottle of water costs £1.60 in Wacky Warehouse so any child wanting a drink during their play session will need to pay for it as tap water will no longer be available. Parents and children will not be allowed to bring food and drink in with them from outside however there will be a full traditional pub style menu on offer served all day with a wide variety of child friendly meals available including chicken nuggets and chips, burger and chips, sausage and chips or a vegetarian option of fish fingers and chips. Parents opting for the more expensive Premium Wacky Start Service will be able to choose from a wider variety of meals for their children including scampi, beef and ale pie, hotpot and rump steak all of which will come with a complimentary standard size glass of shandy.
This morning a government spokesman said of the plans "We admit it’s radical but we think it makes a lot of sense and will kill two or three birds with one stone. Most children don't learn a great deal before they start school and half their parents would be down the pub during the day anyway so a Wacky Warehouse seems as good a place to leave them as anywhere. As for the staffing, anyone who has spent a Saturday afternoon in one of these places will know that there is no greater punishment than spending two hours surrounded by screaming hyperactive kids so we might even straighten out a few crooks at the same time."