A burgeoning revolution which threatened to shake London to its core was narrowly averted yesterday when violent anti-government forces were quelled by a street performers in Piccadilly Circus. The movement began early on Saturday afternoon in Regents Park when a small group of students began protesting against being told to turn their music down and also against ‘the inhumane and despotic rule of David Cameron’. Opposition from pro-Cameron supporters saw violence break out in the streets with several reports of riotous littering and really aggressive finger pointing.
The warring factions were separated and funnelled into a side street following the swift arrival of Community Support Officers and a Rapid Response bicycle unit. However, a brief and tense stand-off was broken when anti-Cameron forces pushed through the police by stealing their cycle helmets and by letting their tyres down.
One eye witness, who barely escaped with his shopping described the horrific scenes:
‘At first it was just a handful but before you knew it they were piling out or Marks and Spencers and were attacking the police and government supporters with melt-in-the-middle chocolate puddings and Oakham chickens. People were diving into the nearest Starbucks just to hide from the violence.’
The press association was flooded with footage taken on mobile phones by those caught up in the carnage, including terrifying scenes of hysterical protesters recording each other on their iphones and looking menacingly jovial, whilst one man could be seen making a ‘wanker’ sign to a traffic warden before savagely unbuttoning his Ralph Lauren cardigan and wrapping it wildly around his shoulders with a loose yet stylish knot.
As the news broke, Home Secretary Teresa May appeared on state television appealing for calm and threatening to ‘cancel Christmas’ if the protests continued. However as the number of protesters swelled to well over a thousand the government was on the verge of declaring a state of emergency.
Yet in a startling turn of events, the revolution appeared to fizzle out naturally. As the procession entered into Piccadilly circus, a flash performance of ’True Colours’ erupted on the fringes as it appeared the rebellion had been infiltrated by a dance troop. Panic and confusion broke out within the mass as protesters fled from the onslaught of positivity before one-by-one falling in line and began singing.
One bystander reported that ‘It was quite a charming street performance, but after they stopped singing everyone stood still and there was such an atmosphere of social awkwardness that I could barely watch. People started to move away from one another mumbling half-hearted offers of telephone numbers and saying, “I’m sure I’ll see you at the next one”. Before you knew it everyone had disappeared into shops; it was as if nothing had happened.
A police spokesperson stated that a large number of arrests had been made, including one man who may face jail after he narrowly missed a police officer with large tub of lobster bisque. The police also denied that the street performers were a specialised anti-terrorism unit, but warned that it would consider using similar measures if there were any further uprisings.
However, support for the protest movement is growing with similar outbreaks reported in Scotland and Wales and offers of international support have flooded in after the British government was condemned by the UN for ‘unnecessary use of Cindi Lauper.’