Lothian and Borders Police have launched an investigation into a secretive society known only as ‘Scottish Widows’.
Notoriously publicity-shy, apart from their ubiquitous television advertisements, ‘Scottish Widows’ may in fact be a codename for a group of cloaked female assassins who seek out wealthy elderly Scotsmen for financial gain.
“Our undercover ops team tell us that many older, lonely Scottish men are being directly targeted, “ Joss Hannay, Lothian and Borders Assistant Chief Constable said yesterday. “They move fast looking for octogenarians, hoods up, power-mincing their way through hotel lobbies, across golf-courses, and especially, wandering aimlessly around privet-walled mazes. To be honest, we don’t know why they do that last one.”
“Anyone with any knowledge of a real Scottish widow will struggle to recognise these Rimmelled girl-ninjas. They rarely do jigsaws or knit, and never offer a Victory V to a stranger on the bus.”
“They’ll often open the conversation with something designed to inveigle the victim and encourage him to let down his guard, such as a question over the merits of particularly peaty Islay single malt. In fact they are poised like a coiled spring, just waiting to unleash their vicious teeth into him, to kiss his fingers with their pouting red lips, to drag their talon-like nails down his wrinkled flesh, and… oh, excuse me.”
A group of families with elderly male relatives in Galashiels have already started to take precautions, by booking their granddads and uncles on a coach trip to a holiday-home/clinic in Zurich.
