Members of the ‘Confederation of Dictators, Tyrants Autocrats and Unelected Heads of State’ have been vigorously defending the latest round of bonuses that they have awarded themselves over the past twelve months - a year which has seen the public standing of brutal autocrats drop to its lowest level in over half a century.
The record rewards packages - which the leaders are now compelled to reveal thanks to a recent UN ruling - run into an average of 2.3 billion dollars - often more than twice the GDPs of the countries they are terrorising.
‘We are all well aware that the public and media consider these end-of-year incentivisation schemes to be a tad excessive’ explained Burmese leader Than Shwe. ‘However this level of remuneration is vital to attract, retain and motivate the best people for these demanding roles - roles that have decidedly unpredictable pension schemes, I should add.’
‘Another thing that isn’t taken into consideration is the huge amount of wealth that we create for the nation in which we finally settle, when we are inevitably toppled in a bloody coup.’ added Eritrean totalitarian-in-chief Isayas Afewerki. ‘We could very easily move our retirement homes and multi-billion-dollar nest eggs to Switzerland if people keep complaining - would you like us to do that?’
The latest figures have attracted criticism from the unions, with Len McCluskey, general secretary of Unite questioning why the reward schemes have been tolerated by the money markets ‘This last year has been disastrous for nearly all the main dictatorships, with a marked downturn in the quality and extent of bloodthirsty tyranny; to award yourself record incentive packages at a time like this is just adding insult to decreased brutality.’
‘But the tide is turning, as the popular uprisings in North Africa have shown. This is only the beginning: next month sees the publication of a scathing new OFT report which will call for the worldwide regulation of despots followed a damning article in Which - there‘s no way they can withstand the combined pressure.’
‘The party is over; it’s time brutal tyrants brought their reward packages into line with other sociopathic departmental chiefs in such sectors as insurance, estate agency and local council parking regulation.’