Sports Direct International Plc, owned by the controversial Mike Ashley, was brought to its knees today after its shops were targeted by terrorists, in what police called ‘a highly organised and calculated attack’. At approximately 15:00, Calor Gas heaters were wheeled to the doors of Sports Direct-owned retailers nationwide and turned to full power.
Shoppers and bystanders watched in horror as the entire shop and its contents melted, and several customers, mostly wearing sports clothing, burst into flames. Twenty Eight people are thought to have died, and Scotland Yard estimates that between twenty and thirty people suffered second degree burns, whilst ten people have been left facing the possibility that they maybe waterproof for the rest of their lives. No arrests have been made, although Scotland Yard is investigating information implicating the Real Toon Army.