The northern city of Manchester, still reeling from the loss of its public toilets, libraries and swimming pools after swingeing finance cuts, has today been left devastated by the theft of its twin city of Salford.
“It probably happened over the weekend,” surmised Peter Fielding, a resident of city centre Manchester and the person who reported the theft, on Tuesday. “To be fair, I don’t think anyone else had noticed.” He said. “You sort of expect things to be safe in your own backyard, so to speak, don’t you? I realised someone had lifted it when I was dumping me Tesco’s trolley in the Irwell trolley park. I looked over the river and noticed it weren’t there no more. As I’m a honest, conscientious citizen I reported it to the police, later on that afternoon.”
A spokesman for Greater Manchester Police, reading from a statement said, “This heartless crime cannot be blamed on the recent reduction in bobbies on the beat. We have every confidence in P.C. Potter’s abilities to keep our streets both safe and litter free. The coincidence of this incident happening on the weekend he was in Llandudno celebrating his 50th wedding anniversary was extremely unfortunate but I hope you can all join with the Chief Constable and myself in congratulating Constable Potter and his lovely wife Polly.
Our preliminary investigations have led us to believe that this is not the work of one man. To walk off with a city the size of Salford experts have calculate would take a gang utilising hundreds of lorries several days, or thousands of lorries several hours. CCTV footage has been collected from the surrounding area which will be studied by PC Potter over the coming months. This will hopefully supply him with some concrete leads.
In the meantime a dedicated team of senior detectives are flying to Jamaica, acting on a tip off from a travel agent that the weather there is much more pleasant than it is in Manchester at this time of year.
While this will give us all an opportunity to pick up nearly new computers and plasma tellies at bargain prices from our local car boot sales our main concern must be for the people of Salford. It is very likely that some will be sold into slavery. However, our advice to the general public is to be extra vigilant for the next few months, particularly when purchasing mince, sausages or meat pies. Please pay extra attention to the ingredients listed on the label.”