In a return to “traditional values and the American way” it has been revealed that obese citizens of the United States are to be rendered down upon death rather than decomposing slowly in cemetery “land fill” and thus releasing still further methane into the atmosphere, even after death.
In what has been described as a “paradigm shift” in economic and environmental policy, the US state department for energy security announced today that compulsory rendering for all citizens with a BMI in excess of 25 will be introduced immediately as scientists reveal that the oil produced from such a process would ensure that the US could cease warmongering across the world and become the isolationist, over developed, self-absorbed and energy self-sufficient nation that it so craves
Recent research, sponsored by McSlurry, has revealed that “fat is really just stored energy” and therefore can be released upon death by a simple method previously used to make glue from knackered old race horses. The report continues that “the KiloJoule output from a half-ton mom has the potential to power up to thirty executive homes for a period of up to 48 hours”. In response, Generalist Motors are said to be developing a new hybrid vehicle which could run directly from unrendered fat thus further preserving vital stocks of crude oil. A spokesman claimed that “in light of today’s announcement is it more important than ever that the nation continues to get fatter therefore the continued use of vehicles even for the shortest of trips, such as a trip to the local fast-food drive through, is absolutely vital to the new scheme”.
A spokesman for the state department concluded that US citizens would see it as their duty to sign up for “a new kind of national service” and any dissenters would potentially be brought to heel by a Japanese whaling crew armed with the very latest in “heavy haul” technology. He continued “as the US represents only 5% of the world’s population whilst consuming 30% of global resources” it was “the right thing to do” and that the world’s view of the US as a pariah state would soon change as it became insular and “left everyone else alone”.
The UK administration is said to be “watching developments closely” and is considering a similar scheme under the existing “big society” agenda.