Human Pennine and cack-handed Coalition Community Minister Eric Pickles made a startling confession about his real social class last night.
“I’m sick of the rumours,” the ostrich egg faced Yorkshireman told reporters from Country Life and The Lady outside Bradford Town Hall. “And I’m sick of pretending I’m something I’m not. I am what I am, as Gloria Gaynor once said, well sort of. I’m may be from a humble working class Yorkshire origins, but in my heart I’ve always been posh and my new friends in the cabinet have given me the strength to say I’m posh and I’m proud.”
“I knew I was different from a very young age,” the airship sized Tory said later in premier Bradford nightspot Bar twenty 5. “When the other Bradford urchins in the playground asked me what my favourite foods were, I had to lie and say I liked black pudding, pikelets, Barnsley chops, and rhubarb. But in my heart I was thinking I don’t want to eat peasant food! I want to dine on the finest kedgeree and quails eggs, followed by Eton Mess of course.”
The Tory answer to late Lib Dem legend Cyril Smith admitted that he had spent years hiding his “inner posh self” behind broad Bradford vowels and the kind of blunt speaking that gives the north a bad name.
“I have to thank David and George for their help and support during this difficult time,” the visibly tired and emotional Pickles admitted outside “Bombay Bob’s Chippy” later that evening. “They told me that being posh was nothing to be ashamed of in this day and age and said there was no room for anti-posh prejudice in the modern liberal Conservative Party. The time for posh discrimination is over!”
However a slightly worse for wear Pickles seemed to be less sure of his new found class status over a full English breakfast at Tracey’s Breakfast Bar the next morning.
“I think some of my fellow coalition members question how posh I am to be honest,” Pickles said, sipping from a mug of specifically requested “builders’ tea”. “Don’t get me wrong. David and George have been very kind and helped me to come out as posh, but I have a feeling that the really posh ones don’t like me. Like Nick Clegg for instance.”