With the stringent cutbacks in departmental budgets beginning to hit home, the Ministry of Defence has announced a new national security policy, the Tiny Little Island initiative.
The MoD has been concerned for some time that the Big Society concept merely serves to draw unwanted attention towards Britain ‘like fitting a burglar alarm on Dover Cliffs’ and that a bit of modest humility might be a safer ploy; but Cameron’s security advisers have poo-poo’d those arguments as scaremongering and pathetic. ‘Look,’ say the advisers, ‘when terrorists hear the words Big Society, they naturally think of Russia or the USA or some other large landmass readily discernible on a map of the world. They’d be hard-pushed to find Britain unless they’ve somehow managed to get hold of a very large-scale map.’
The ministerial advice has been supported by an eminent group of ophthalmic optometrists who point out that the main terrorists in the world are all getting on a bit now with failing eyesight, citing intelligence reports which suggest it recently took Osama Bin Laden nearly two hours before exclaiming ‘Ah, there it is!’ when he finally spotted the UK on page 93 of his dog-eared copy of The Times Atlas of the World through an enormous magnifying glass. Further evidence of his progressive myopia has been provided by SpecSavers who had refused to supply him with prescription reading glasses. ‘This was due to Mr Laden’s conduct when he called without appointment for an eye test and was told the optician couldn’t see him. He became confused, accused the turban-stand of being a beardless infidel, shot it, missed, and blinded a passing guide dog. Still, that’s Bradford for you.’
The MoD, however, is sticking to its guns over the Tiny Little Island branding. Five-star General Sir Peter Wall said: ‘We think the safest option is to portray Britain as the skinny little fair-skinned kid playing by himself in a quiet corner of the playground, still in short trousers in his third year and wearing a badge which says ‘Please don’t bully me or I may have an asthma attack.’’ But Cameron, who’d been hiding under the desk, jumped out suddenly and shouted ‘Boo!’ which frightened the poor General and left him feeling really upset for ages.