30 million doses of surplus swine flu vaccine are to be sold off by the government at nightclubs for recreational use. "We need to recoup our losses on this one," said Health Secretary, Andy Burnham, “we could lose £150 million on these vaccines unless we sell them to clubbers looking for H1NFun.”
The swine flu vaccine, known on the street as ‘Oink Oink’, is already proving to be a massive hit on the club scene. Many young people are attracted to the drug because it can produce sensations of nausea, vomiting and flu like symptoms. “It’s like totally awesome,” said one clubber, “I normally have wait until next morning before I can achieve that effect. Now I can just take some Oink Oink, miss the club altogether, and go straight to bed.”
The Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs has already given their seal of approval to the vaccine. “It is nice to finally find a drug that we can all agree is perfectly safe for young people to take,” said ACMD chairman, Professor Les Iversen, “and, amazingly, this is the first time that the Council has reached a decision without any of our members resigning. Although, admittedly, a couple of them have called in sick.”
However, some experts are warning that Oink Oink could become a gateway drug. “Users often start off by taking these ‘soft’ vaccines before moving onto the ‘harder’ ones such as Polio, TB and MMR,” said former Drugs Tsar, Professor David Nutt, “The real danger is that young people start to enjoy the feeling of flu so much that they go out and start injecting themselves with the actual H1N1 virus. Nobody wants to see that.”
Many people have also started taking the swine flu vaccine in the hope that it might immunise them against the current pandemic of ‘election fever’ – a hot airborne virus that causes mindless babbling, confusion and verbal diarrhoea. “Sadly there is no cure for election fever,” said Professor Iversen, “but it only lasts a few weeks so the best thing for people to do is to stay in bed until it goes away.”
Oink Oink is currently available at all nightclubs. Just ask the nurse.