Figures released today by the Monetary Policy Committee of the Bank of England show that financial hyperbole is now at a record high, and could continue to climb until your children have left home.
Statistics have increased by up to 3.5% over the last quarter, and typical inflationary vocabulary, shared by economists, blogging worrywarts and financial reporters has broken its previous record – set in August ’09 - of 2,000 scary words per article.
“The increased incidence of undefined TLAs in financial news reporting is a reflection of an underlying malaise designed to worry both savers and people with mortgages”, a well-meaning but actually uninformed financial expert, Jim McHugh, commented. “The rise in VAT, taken on its own is minimal, but when amplified by a lot of hysterical statistics and undefined references to petrol, RPI, CPI and the pound in your pocket it can scare the bezeesus out of 99.7% of the population.”
As television news editors started the regular trawl for generic pictures of money in a purse or wallet, research has found that there is a 5.7% increase in the willingness of old people in carpet slippers to be filmed making a cup of tea in a vague attempt to bring some human interest to what is essentially a boring piece of financial news.
Jerry Oistrakh, the Chief Secretary to the Treasury was keen to impress the shift in emphasis from mild reassurance to the Government’s new policy of scaring people. “If we don’t give the breadwinner sleepless nights about keeping a roof over their family’s heads, we have basically failed in our statutory duty to keep ‘fear of bankruptcy’ a key performance indicator for the economy.”
[Note: insert terrifying graph of how little money people think they have compared to last year here, please]
The Daily Mail has refused to comment.