Research carried out by students from Aston University suggests the best way to fend off an attack from an angry crocodile is to live somewhere in the West Midlands – most notably in the Coventry area.
Data gathered over a three year period from universities around the world proved inconclusively that living in the West Midlands had significant benefits over those who lived in places such as Namibia or Santa Fe
Not since the cretaceous period over 65 million years ago has a resident of Coventry woken up to be confronted by the snapping jaws of nature’s most feared predator.
‘That is an amazing 65 million years without one recorded incident involving a crocodile’ said research student Dana Reese ‘a record I am sure most of the bigger cities around the world would be proud of. Some of it must be put down to luck but you should not underestimate the vigilance displayed by the residents of Coventry during that time.
Coventry might be the dreariest, unforgiving place in the universe and the townsfolk a bunch of myopic inbreed cyborgs - that came out clearly in our research - but their record on crocodile attacks is second to none.
The research showed that when it comes to any potential dangers posed by a hungry crocodile the people of Coventry were light years ahead of the pack. It seems that over 65 million years of painstakingly slow evolution the people of Coventry have developed a sixth sense in all things crocodile related....avoiding potential crocodile black spots, never follow a wounded gazelle and staying well clear of water
‘Yes, the people of Namibia could learn a lot from the citizens of Coventry – unless they are thinking of building an inner ring road or taking up cutlery that is’ said Dana ‘here’s to the next 65 million years. Maybe in that time they’ll eventually learn how to wipe their own bottoms using toilet tissue, but don’t hold your breath. Well actually I would, I really would – in fact stay away, you won’t miss anything’.
That list in full
Wood pigeon attacks 4
ASBO’s tortoise 435
Crocodile attacks 0
Bronze staute outside Coventry Cathedral showing a perfectly healthy resident of Bishops Green standing over a man from Namibia who has been eaten by a crocodile