Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says he is delighted with his new role as ‘Peace Envoy’ to the Middle East.
‘I was at a bit of a loose end,’ said the 82-year-old former dictator, ‘so it was nice to be asked. At my age it isn’t easy getting back on the job market.’
In his new role, Mr Mubarak will travel the region advising leaders on how best to run their country by controlling the media, refusing free and fair elections and ruthlessly suppressing all opposition. He will also be available to step in to any failing democracy to perform the role of 'caretaker dictator'.
Fellow Peace Envoy Tony Blair welcomed the appointment. ‘Hosni is just perfect for the role,’ said Mr Blair, ‘like me he has worked in the region for years, often at the behest of America, overstayed his welcome and ended up universally despised by his people.’
Wiping a tear from his eye, Mr Blair continued, ‘Hosni is the People’s Potentate, the dictator of people’s hearts. Anyone who has heard him speak knows how he can work a crowd into a frenzy. He always leaves them wanting more.’
Mr Mubarak is expected to focus his efforts on the ‘high-risk’ countries that have, or may be moving towards, democracy. ‘I want to help these vulnerable nations avoid the inevitable instability caused by rule of the people,’ he said. ‘I know from bitter experience that these so-called ‘people’ can be very fickle. One minute they love you; the next they're throwing their shoes at you. I will, of course, do whatever I can to help any fledgling democracy by facilitating an orderly transition to dictatorship.’
President Obama also welcomed Mr Mubarak to his new role. ‘America has always encouraged democracy in the Middle East,’ he said, ‘often by propping up unpopular regimes and thereby fostering a groundswell of democratic opposition. It's nice to know that if democracy doesn’t work, for example, if the people vote the wrong way, we have someone like Hosni on hand to help out.’
‘This job is a great opportunity for me to give something back,’ said Mr Mubarak, ‘obviously not the billions of dollars I siphoned away, but my wisdom, 30 years of experience and an obstinate refusal to listen to anyone else.’
Mr Mubarak will start his new job next month, allowing him time to finish his memoirs. ‘I am really enjoying the process of writing,’ he said, ‘it gives me a chance to do just a little bit more dictating.’