In a bid to aid those whose glass is permanently half empty, Apple will next month launch the new 'I-Cant', a gadget designed to assist the self-defeatist.
"Each new technology that comes out is designed to make people's lives easier, slicker, and more efficient" said an Apple spokesman, "We saw a gap in the market and have decided to try and help those who feel they can't deal with day to day life let alone technology"
The new 'I-Cant' will include ground-breaking tools and automation, such as: When making a call, as soon as someone answers, the 'I-Cant' will automatically utter a resigned sigh on the callers behalf.
Other 'widgets' will include a simplified version of Angry Birds aimed at the non-achiever, a selection of pre-recorded 'unavailable' messages such as "Sorry, whatever it is I've done/not done", "Ohhh I don't know, leave a message if you want", "Hello? Who is that? What?" and "Sorry, I don't believe I know how to answer this"
System resources have been made available for the new widgets by getting rid of the majority of smiley faces, just leaving 'sad', and 'crying' in place, although there will be a new 'pathetic' face.
Included ringtones will largely consist of songs specially written by Morrissey, and notification sounds will range from a sort of 'Pfffffff' to a quiet and subtle 'Heyyy, probably isn't, but this might be something nice'
One of the more exciting innovations is a battery life assistance tool, which essentially means the battery will run in line with the owner's bio-rhythmic energy.
A massive range of sympathetic apps will be available from the I-Store, although Apple suspect that nice as they may be, they probably won't do what they are supposed to.
The 'I-Can't' will be available in Grey, dull brown, or a non-descript "sort of insipid dark beige"