The Church of Scientology has decided to throw in the towel, declaring the problems of the world ‘too tough to sort out by a bunch of sci-fi geeks’.
In a statement issued by the Sea Organisation, the secretive and monastic society that administers Scientology, the religion admits that it was set up as ‘a big old belly-laugh’ by science-fiction author L Ron Hubbard, and that it’s increasingly bizarre and dangerous practices were all a bit of fun.
“The Church Of Scientology was brought into existence to prove just how gullible humans can be,“ explains Jonathan Gilhooly, a senior Sea-org nutter. We’re all descended from alien clams, psychiatry is to blame for Nazism, death is mostly psychosomatic and can be cured by going on an expensive training course, you can stop being a drug addict if you tell me your problems and I tell you they are ‘cancelled’… I mean, who was ever going to believe this stuff?
“The truth is, we all got really caught out by how popular this clap-trap proved. Everyone seemed dead keen to give us their money to rise up the ranks, even though Scientology is nothing more than a big game of Dungeons and Dragons with a bit of cod-psychiatry thrown in.”
However in a contradictory statement, a message from the Council of Dianeticians denounces the Sea Org statement, saying that it is nothing but libellous ramblings from non-adherents who have lost their true faith, and demonstrates the tragic results when a believer runs out of money, oh and by the way, do pop in for a free personality test next time you’re passing Tottenham Court Road.