The government and police up and down the UK have appealed for the British people not to overreact to the growing awareness that Julia Carey, 31, has not only got engaged to the unfunny celebrity lardbucket James Corden but is also expecting his baby. Growing disgust at the thought that any woman could actually let that happen to herself has become a serious threat to public order in recent weeks.
'The British people are going to have to be adult about this,' stated Inspector Steve Walshaw on behalf of the Metropolitan Police. 'The evidence is clear: this woman has - and I have to be blunt about this - had sex with James Corden, presumably voluntarily and presumably on more than one occasion. However strongly one feels, however, no crime has been committed and I urge everyone to show restraint.'
Hospitals up and down the country have struggled to cope with the double whammy of budget cuts, followed by an epidemic of convulsive vomiting among people unfortunate enough to glimpse a picture of the attractive Carey alongside Corden's gurning sweaty bestubbled fizzog in Hello! and then imagining his vast, grey underwear lying in a great stinky heap on her bedroom floor.
There have even been calls for the couple to be quarantined in order to protect public safety, while the Daily Express has called for a repeal of the human rights legislation that currently prevents this from happening. However, while condemning Carey for her insensitive behaviour, the government has said that this option is impractical.
'If you really can't get the image out of your head," added Walshaw, 'I suggest going onto YouTube and cleansing yourself by watching Two Girls One Cup. It worked for me. Now every time I envisage his grotesque pale bulk rippling up and down and his little round eyes curling up as he gets into the vinegar strokes, I just scroll to the bit where she squats over ... oh dear, will you excuse me for a minute...?'