Media mogul Rupert Murdoch has launched his first foray into the the human subconscious with a subscription dream service called The Nightly.
‘I have already invaded every other aspect of people’s lives,’ said Mr Murdoch, ‘it was only a matter of time before I moved into the realm of dreams.’
The Nightly will feed directly into the sleeping brains of subscribers with a package of ‘premier league’ dreams including flying through the air, falling but never hitting the ground and being trapped and suffocated by a foul-mouthed antipodean hobgoblin.
People wanting more danger in their dreams will be able to choose from a selection of ‘Fox News Nightmares’ such as ‘being chased down the street by a naked Glenn Beck’ and ‘waking up screaming as you discover that you have just spent the night with Sarah Palin.’
‘The human subconscious represents a vast untapped market,’ said the modern day Morpheus, ‘the only issue is how to turn it into something that makes a profit.’ The solution has been found with Mr Murdoch’s ‘oneiric paywall’, a system which allows subscribers access to News Corp approved dreams while restricting anyone else from joining in. ‘The paywall is crucial,’ explained Murdoch, ‘the last thing we want is for people to be able to share their dreams.’
The launch of The Nightly comes as a number of News Corp employees are being investigated for using the technology to illegally hack into the minds of hundreds of celebrities. ‘If these people don’t want us to go digging around in their subconscious then they should change their pin code,’ said Murdoch, ‘at the moment it’s too easy. The default code is 1234 and the password is almost always ‘mother’’
Mr Murdoch has already launched The Nightly in the USA where he hopes to secure exclusive rights to ‘The American Dream’. His plans may be obstructed in the UK if the British government decide to refer his mental takeover bid to the Competition Commission. ‘If he gets his way, Mr Murdoch will hold a monopoly over every aspect of people’s minds,’ said media expert Raymond Snoddy, ‘however, as he already seems to have monopolistic control over the mind of the minister in charge, it shouldn’t be a problem.’
‘This is all about choice,’ said Murdoch, ‘people should be free to choose to let me infiltrate their minds 24 hours a day. This is my dream and it could be yours too for only $39.99.’