After Britain’s poor showing at the Winter Olympics a new sporting body has been set up and is calling for a radical and modernising change to the Winter sports schedule
The new British Winter Sports Body are calling for traditional snow and ice based sports like ski-jump, downhill and ice skating to be modified. Their current suggestions of Downhill Tin Tray, and Super G Poly Bagging have met with some favourable murmurings from other European states such as Ireland and .... um, Ireland
Ice skating is also to be replaced with Walking on thin river ice and a triathlon endurance event is proposed. Stage one involves setting out at night in a W-reg Renault Clio fuelled with only a gallon of petrol across un untreated B road, being trapped for three hours (or until you call for help) in a snow drift and then having to stay overnight in a village hall next to a 70-year old with no control of his bladder. The winner emerges next day for an all over wash in Dettol
The Ice Scrum is a new event. Triggered by a radio flash that B&Q has rock salt in stock, the race is on. Although deemed a non-contact sport, this event sees some of the bloodiest injuries as the hoard descend upon the bags and carry them out two at a time (trolleys strictly illegal). Fatigue quickly sets in as each competitor returns time and again and only the fittest survive
The beauty is that no special training is involved, no hi-tech equipment needed and the entire British team’s budget for the 2014 Olympics will be no more than £30
Latest comment from the USA, Japan and Norway is “piss off, losers”