Renowned dickhead, Dave Keats (21) was rushed to Manchester Royal Infirmary in critical condition last night after what started as a friendly drink with the North Korean dictator turned ugly over a disagreement about films – a subject upon which the Supreme Leader of the pariah state is widely known to hold strong opinions.
The unlikely drinking session shared by the bouffant-haired autocrat and the local arsehole at The Whitworth pub in Rusholme was said by witnesses to have initially been ‘unexpectedly good-natured’, as the platformed despot, in town on a low-key tour of Friedrich Engels-related sites, proved to be a charismatic raconteur, in stark contrast to his media image.
Annoyingly for Mr Keats’ associates, this seemed to prove the little tosser right about Kim, as only two weeks previously, the argumentative little prick had spent the best part of an hour insisting that Kim Jong-il was ‘probably an OK bloke if you met him one-on-one’ and ‘must have some funny stories’ about being the centre of a personality cult which has convinced his people that he has the power to control the weather.
'Every time we go out it’s the same,’ explained flat-mate Ian Broomfield. ‘The toss-pot seems to think he’s some kind of debating master, and that if he keeps repeating himself, he’s somehow proving his point. If you ignore him he just claims victory, but if you try to reason with him, he finds more and more contrived ways to justify his tenuous statements. He somehow equates ignoring facts with free-thinking genius'
Despite all evidence put before him, Dave still swears that pi (π) 'might be rational', that Bristol is 'pretty much in Cornwall', and that MouseHunt, starring Nathan Lane and Lee Evans, was 'one of the best films of all time'.
Although accounts differ, it appears it was when the prize twat raised this final topic that the Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army lost his composure and stabbed the delusional wind-up merchant in the neck with his silver chopsticks, before being held back by his own security staff.