Buckingham Palace was reeling today with the news that Kate Middleton is actually American and, moreover, a divorcee. Born in 1982 as Kate Middleton in the Appalachian town of Dismal Hollow, she was married 14 years later to first cousin Billy Joe Bob Middleton, making it easy to keep her surname straight.
Kate’s life took a dramatic turn when she came under the tutelage of Prof. Henry Higgins, who was in America to study unsophisticated accents for the London College of Proper Linguistics. Higgins immediately took up the challenge of changing Kate’s accent and introducing her to the Royals. Husband Billy Joe Bob was persuaded to grant a divorce in return for a late model pickup truck. At the same time, a large order was placed with Party Pieces in Berkshire to facilitate adoption by a malleable couple and thus establish Kate’s English credentials.
Noted one Palace insider, “You can’t be a more common commoner than Kate, and William was immediately taken with her unassuming personality as well as her ability to skin and prepare squirrels for a delicious stew. The Prince believes in community involvement and making do with less – for example collecting and distributing small mammals found in the public parks as an alternative to purchase of over-packaged food at Sainsbury’s.”
Despite Prof. Higgins’ best efforts, Kate’s cover was blown when, on a Royal shoot, she blasted away at a Corgi, saying, “I think I got the varmint. Another hot meal tonight!”
In spite of the Queen’s reservations, the Palace stressed that the wedding would proceed within the next 100 days due to the Princess-to-be’s “delicate condition”. “We have consulted with the Cabinet and Messrs. Cameron and Clegg said that they fully understand the circumstances that call for the shotgun wedding of two parties,” said a Palace spokesman.