The Prime Minister David Cameron has appealed directly to "the single, the work-shy and generally piss-poor" in a speech that has been hailed both as a political masterstroke and absolutely bonkers. “We are all feeling the pinch in these difficult economic times,” said Mr Cameron, “but perhaps those who feel the pressure most are all the lazy bastards out there. All they want to do is sit on their fat arses and do as little as possible. But in the present climate there is intense pressure for them to look busy or they might lose their jobs. And don’t get me started on those lucky sods who don’t have to work at all! They get a particularly raw deal, with the media portraying them as idle scroungers. In fact they perform a vital public service in keeping our daytime TV personalities in work and therefore off the streets.” Keen to head off accusations of opportunism, the Prime Minister went on to say that he identified with those who couldn’t be arsed to get out of bed in the morning. “Look, I feel your pain, honestly I do,” he said in the most moving section of his impassioned address to the work-shy, before going on to say “I myself have never done a proper day’s work in my life: remember, I used to work in the media before I became a politician. “
The Prime Minister’s move, the latest in an undignified scramble for votes by all the major parties, has seen the Tories position themselves as the unlikely champions of what is being dubbed “snooze button Britain”. “It makes perfect sense really,” said a dead-eyed media drone, “Nick [Clegg] has sought to get the backing of ‘Alarm Clock Britain’, Ed Milliband has appealed to the ‘Squeezed Middle’, and politicians of all parties have been banging on about ‘hard working families’ for ages. All the Conservatives are doing is making their pitch to all those people who don’t naturally fall into one of these ill-defined and meaningless groupings.” When asked to comment on the move one senior Tory stated that “It’s inspired really – I’m surprised we never thought of it before. Rather than demonising the lazy and half-arsed we are finally holding them up as what they really are: the very core of Britishness and something to be proud of. And it couldn’t have come at a better time: now that the Lib Dems have alienated the students we stand to pick up oodles of votes from those lazy good for nothings.”
Meanwhile the reaction from lazy feckless bastards themselves has been muted. When asked to comment on the Prime Minister’s speech a spokesman for layabouts said he couldn’t be bothered.