“The Hampstead & Highgate Fine Wines and Victuals Company has been expanding into the North of England”, says Managing Director, Brian Fletcher. “As we moved beyond our Home Counties heartland and ventured north of the Trent, we decided our shops needed a new image.
“We engaged Wolff Olins, branding specialiists, to find names that would both strike a more colloquial tone and accurately reflect Northern people's limited aspirations and their special relationship with alcohol. With the re-branding exercise now completed we are able to announce that east of the Pennines, in the old milltowns of Yorkshire, our shops will be called ‘Ratarsed’, while to the west of the Pennines, in shitholes like Blackburn and Burnley, our shops will be known as ‘Bladdered’.
“We’re stocking our northern outlets with alcopops, cheap bottled ciders and industrial-strength lagers, all at ‘pocket money prices’. The choice of fine wines will be limited to bottles of ‘El Magico’, one of the finest breakfast wines that dinner money can buy. Teetotalers can enjoy our range of soft drinks, such as WKD and Bacardi Breezer. In response to government guidelines about labelling, all cans and bottles will bear the warning to ‘Binge responsibly’. We encourage our customers to drink with caution, and never on a school night. We don’t want young people to drink on an empty stomach, of course, so we’re offering a choice of tasty and nutritious snacks: pork scratchings, with bristles or without.
“We will have experts on hand to answer the questions our customers most commonly ask. ‘Why does wine taste so much better when it’s drunk out of the bottle?’, ‘Is it too early to have a drink?’ and ‘Why can’t I feel my legs?’
“As the recession bites deeper, and life looks ever more bleak, we at the Hampstead & Highgate Fine Wines and Victuals Company are confident that profits will remain buoyant in the self-destructive sector of the leisure market. Remember: love may make the world go round, but it’s alcohol that makes the world go round and round and round. Cheers!”...