reveals a close aide from within his inner circle. "Gone are the days when he'd just sit on an an old rug smoking non-stop Afghani and playing war games," said the aide in the never-before-known secret knowledge of how the celebrity and media mogul spends his days. "He decided to get the fuck out of Afganistan as soon as the shit hit the fan," he said, referring to the US slaughter of Afghani civilians after 9/11.
"He prefers the party drug, cocaine, these days," said his aide. "He still spends a lot of his time online and has been fascinated by the latest wikileaks saga involving Julian Assange, even subscribing to the Twitter feed, although opting out of that when he realised Washington may be able to track him down."
Contrary to popular belief, OBL is not residing in a cave in the arid Afghani mountains, but rather is renting an apartment in beautiful, historic, downtown Rome.
"He loves it here," says his Italian translator. "Politics means nothing in Rome, never has done, and those in power just use it to have lots of sex with under-age girls, and take lots of drugs. Everyone just treats him as an equal. He's a frequent customer of the local restaurants, and without his beard he passes for Italian quite easily. He's more into dressing in western clothes these days. They absolutely love him at the local Versace, where he buys up all its stock almost weekly. He's a lover of tight lycra underwear, fitting in well with the Cosa Nostra, and has even had some modelling shots done recently. Obviously, they airbrushed his beard in, and his six pack. I'll see if he'd like to give you a pic. It's hilarious, and sure to bring the house down in the US, don't ya think?"