After 16 year old Gregory Hanson's tragic death last Friday, reporters went to the area hoping to let the suffering community know that the outside world cared. However, journalists were shocked to find people riding around on the bus listening to MP3s, eating bacon sandwiches in cafes, laughing at jokes and discussing sports results with each other.
"He was just one of the kids at the high school" said a local, cleaning his car with a t-shirt printed with Hanson's face on it, which he "got for cheap" after the funeral. "There's hundreds of them, go and have a look."
"Look I'd like to give you something" said Hanson's former principle Mr Allen Grimsby. "But you can see his academic record yourself. It's all very indifferent."
Students we spoke to said Hanson was known for his ability to "make up the numbers" at social events and was often "seen around" but that there was no particular reason to suppose his life would have had any greater affect on the universe than their own had he lived.
"He was just a disappointing and uninteresting person that we never had reason to take serious notice of" said Hanson's father during his eulogy. "I mean let's be honest you're all going to go home tonight and play video games or have a wank or something. I know I am."
Mr Grimsby did not feel the need to lead the school in forced displays of sorrow for Hanson. He said that while forced mourning did not drain as many work hours as people misusing school and office networks to play World Of Warcraft, at least World Of Warcraft was fun.
Hanson perished after going to a concert to see The Rolling Stones who were supported by Nickleback. Exactly how and why he was quartered remains unclear, but it appears to be related to his decision to clap appreciatively at the end of Nickleback's set.