French musician Jean Michel Jarre has announced that at all future performances he will be using his spectacular giant lasers to correct the eyesight of his fans.
‘For too long I have travelled the world using my lasers simply to enhance my own music,’ said Jarre, ‘but now I want to use them for the power of good.’
Jarre, whose latest album, ‘Opticien’, is already a massive hit, will play a number of sell-out dates in which he performs insipid Euro synth-pop while simultaneously correcting the vision of everyone in the audience.
‘I just want to give something back to my fans,’ said the Frenchman, ‘I clearly can’t do anything to improve their hearing so the least I can do is give them 20-20 vision.’
During the show Jarre will foppishly ponce about the stage wearing his magic gloves and gawping in amazement as he fires an array of multi-coloured lasers at his screaming audience, stopping only to ask, ‘better like this or better like that?’
In a recent performance Jarre corrected the vision of over 5,000 fans. ‘It was amazing,’ said one man, ‘I went in with astigmatism and came out with perfect eyesight. And a terrible headache.’
The man is a miracle worker,’ said another, ‘he’s like Jesus but with a really annoying soundtrack.’
The composer says he hopes to perform giant laser eye surgery on over a million people as he travels the world, performing classics such as Oxygene and Equinoxe alongside newer works such as ‘Laser Corneal Reshaping’ and ‘Photorefractive Keratectomy’.
Jarre will also be making his giant lasers available for tattoo removal. However, the treatment will require patients undergoing a very painful repeat procedure in which they have to attend his gigs on up to six different occasions.
‘I would warn people to think very carefully before embarking on the Jean Michel Jarre treatment,’ said one expert, ‘his giant lasers are perfectly safe but continued exposure to his music could cause serious problems later in life.’