Buckingham Palace confirmed in a statement today that Her Majesty intends to take a Royal Dump in April this year to mark William and Kate’s marriage. Palace officials had earlier tried to constipate rumours of the impending dump, stating that it was ‘a purely private matter’ but were later forced to open up after extracts from emails were posted online by LizzieLeaks.com. Tragically, the founder of the website died at lunchtime in a bizarre gardening accident.
Royal Dumps are extremely rare natural phenomena. The last recorded dump was on 31 August 1997 after the awful news had finally sunk in that Tony Blair was indeed Her Prime Minister. News of a previous dump in 1964 transpired to be a false alarm and Prince Edward was born instead.
Sky News were first in the queue (‘scratching at the door’ as the BBC put it) with a bid for a broadcast, entitled ‘A Penny for Your Thoughts, Ma’am’, live from the Royal Throne Room, but the Palace said ‘it is completely out of the question to have a Sky Crew in the Royal Loo at the time of a Majestic Poo, in case she shits on them.’