Warming the cockles with a swift scotch may be a thing of the past thanks to a new drug, nicknamed ‘whiskey pills’, which produces the same body heat as downing a triple, without its other head spewing effects.
Officially called Sungut, the drug causes users to experience a pleasant burning in the stomach area, warming the body from the inside out.
It was developed by pharmaceutical giant Medicon, after researchers discovered that drinking rates are directly correlated to bitter bleakness. Unsurprisingly, the strongest pattern was found in Scotland, where January is the dominant season.
According to the research, January's weather, which feels like walking through damp, slightly frozen tea towels, causes alcohol to become twice as attractive. The results also revealed that heavy drinkers perceive the temperature to be 2 – 5 degrees warmer than it actually is, places to be 10 per cent less crap and people to be 20 per cent more interesting.
For most people January also represents a glum forlornness, reminiscent of a squirrel facing hibernation a few hazelnuts short of comfort or the greyness of a 1960’s tower-block lift decorated with mould and marker pens. Medicon’s new wonder drug claims to eliminate this, elevating moods to that only experienced in the warmer months of July and August.
Managing Director of Medicon, Noddy Scruples, said: “It’s saddening that so many people resort to consuming battery acid tasting beverages just to keep warm and upbeat. The climate is no match for today’s drugs, such as Sungut, and soon the January blues will be a thing of the past – reserved just for the very poorest people who cannot afford our reasonable prices. Prepare to see the end of the red-nosed beer gut of a drunk in denial of winter.”
The drug was trialled successfully last year on three monkeys, five homeless Scotsmen and a group of skint students. The findings were astounding, with more than half of users drinking 5 per cent less when using the drug five times a day for six months.
Confident of its success, Medicon is now working on an improved formula, which will include fake Dutch courage.Research is also underway for a drug which mimics the taste of salt, giving users the feeling of clogged up arteries, without any actual heart attacks.
For more information, please visit your local pub.