Emboldened by continued rapid economic growth and new found political muscle, a group of Chinese officials on a visit to London have revealed that China is no longer satisfied with Britain being its "trading partner" and are now asking that Britain formally acknowledge its status as being China's "bitch".
Minister of Foreign Affairs Yang Jiechi, who leads the delegation, made the following announcement. "For many years America has been the leading light of the world. Times are now changing. Once the world followed America. Now it will follow China. Once it followed intellectual principles. Now it will follow economic clout. We sincerely hope that David Cameron will join other national leaders such as New Zealand's John Key and Nigeria's Abubakar Balewa in our harem."
Yang went on to dispel notions that the Chinese government's attitude was one of beligerence or aggression. "The Chinese government seeks peaceful and harmonious co-operation with all foreign nations around the world as we continue to strive for economic balance and international equality," though Yang added at post-conference cocktails that he would "slap Cameron around if he got out of line".
For his part, Cameron had this to say. "No man is an island. No country can survive on its own. We all need friends. China is our friend. And let it never be said that a British Prime Minister does not bend for friends."
This thinking is also believed to behind the recent change of Britain's official tourism slogan to "Britain likes it rough".
Yang made no further comments after Cameron's remark, but pinched his bum as he left the podium. The following morning, Cameron was presented with a pair of pandas for being such a sweetie.