Aslef has announced plans to torture puppies, kittens and possibly orphans on the day of the royal wedding, according to documents released this morning.
A spokesman for the tube driver union told reporters: "We'd been struggling to find ways of upsetting the British public more than we have already, but after a bit of brainstorming and a knowledge-sharing workshop with the North Korean embassy I am pleased to say that we've finally got it."
Union activist and Judge Judy expert Trevor Blunkett said: "All we're asking is triple pay for bank holidays, plus an extra day's holiday in lieu, on top of our 35-hour week, £45k annual salary contract which includes seven weeks' holiday. Part of me is disappointed that I will have to rip the little claws out of a kitten's paws one by one to demonstrate this to London Underground. But then again, part of me isn't."
"You see, everyone in the private sector gets massive bonuses and nicknames like 'Fred the Shred' to indicate how powerful and ruthless they are, but for some reason London Underground time and again refuses to give our members the benefits that they are entitled to. Part of me is upset to have to drive rusty needles into the eyeballs of tiny Labrador puppies - little whelps not even a year old - to get my point across, but then again, part of me isn't."
London Mayor Boris Johnson was quick to criticise the union's plans, telling BBC news: "I'm frankly amazed that Aslef's bosses are seriously proposing to torture innocent pets on April 29 when the people of this city and this country will be celebrating the very happy day of the royal wedding. I'm sure that the overwhelming majority of sensible Tube drivers will treat this suggestion in exactly the same way that London's firefighters treated the suggestion that they should cudgel endangered seal pups to death on Bonfire Night."
In addition, ball-of-hate commuter Sandy Dennis commented: "Think about it - tube drivers don't even need to steer. I haven't had a holiday in two years and I'm postponing a hip operation for fear of losing my job as a specialist children's nurse where I earn less than half what they do. But we have to let them have their way, and pay £5 for the privilege of being squeezed into a writhing mass of sneezing body-odour for half an hour to travel three hundred metres every day as a result. Otherwise they will touch orphans in the naughty place."
Meanwhile Blunkett continued: "Part of me is shocked that I will have to resort to interfering with orphans simply to get my point across to London Underground, but part of me - the overwhelming majority part - just gets a diamond-cutting hard-on at the thought that I am important enough to inconvenience other people."
"And I'm a dirty paedo who wants to kill your pets."