Govt deal with underworld will cut crime so long as 'Loose Women' is taken off TV
Fears of a crime wave due to a projected 25% reduction in front-line police jobs were eased after the Government confirmed that criminal leaders have agreed to match cut backs in police numbers by slowing down their illegal activities.
Under the plan, which was sealed by Justice Secretary Ken Clarke in a spitting-on and shaking of hands ceremony in a dingy upstairs room at Stepney’s Dog and Duck, London’s underworld leaders agreed to scale back their criminal activity and ‘take care of their own manors’ provided that the Coalition ensure that the cast of ITV’s Loose Women never appear in public or on television again.
Applauding the news, Home Secretary, Theresa May revealed that negotiations had been taking place with a rainbow alliance of the underworld for several months. ‘We are delighted that we can go ahead with the removal of some 20,000 police jobs safe in the knowledge that we have secured the promises of the criminal fraternity. It’s a fantastic result for common sense, and the nation will be a better place for the permanent removal of Jane McDonald and Sherrie Hewson from our screens.’
Bazza Bates, a representative for a ‘Mr Big’ explained that his boss was keen on the sound of Big Society and was keen to take an active part. ‘The guv’ner wanted to support the coalition thing and reckoned that a few months of lower takings would be a decent result if he could get those mouthy bags off the box. Especially if the Government are as good as their word and allow us phase in a visit to Piers Morgan as a productivity reward.’
But can the criminals be trusted? ‘Oh, unless you are Piers Morgan, I don’t think the public need have any concerns about self policing by the criminal community,’ concluded Ms May. ‘After all it worked pretty well in the banking sector.’