Following the commencement of the 112th Congress of the United States, newly-inaugurated Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boehner has announced a new Republican strategy for "taking back America".
"Basically," said Mr Boehner (R-Ohio), "We're going to kill everyone who's not a staunch Republican".
Complaining that winning over voters through rhetoric, persuasion, and civilized public debate is "difficult, time-consuming, and prone to failure", leading members of the Republican National Committee (RNC) have opted for a quicker, more straightfoward approach.
"If there aren't any Democrats," commented leading Republican imbecile Sarah Palin, "Then we're sure to win every election. That's why I've painted rifle crosshairs on every democratic politician. Now if we just all go out and kill them, America will be all better again".
Leading Democrats could not be reached for comment, as they were all recovering from severe gunshot wounds to the head.