Radio One Breakfast Show host, Chris Moyles has been named as the reason for the current shortage of flu jabs in a leaked Government email.
Problems apparently began after attempts to immunise lard-arsed Moyles used up the last 20,000 doses as medics tried in vain to get the vaccine to penetrate his rhino-like thick skin which he is believed to have developed from years of continuing to be paid a £600k annual salary despite thousands of complaints about the sexist, racist, homophobic crap he spews out of people’s radios every morning.
After efforts to inject his upper arm were abandoned, doctors made a last ditch attempt to deliver the vaccine in suppository form but were unable to gain access to Moyles’ arse “because he is continually talking out of it.”
Health Minister, Julia Swanson said, “The Government has considered a range of alternative options for protecting uninfected people from the flu outbreak and has opted for the Big Society self-help solution of getting everyone who doesn’t have flu to hold their breath thus preventing them from breathing in the virus and getting sick. Simples!”
When asked whether this could lead to waves of fatalities as people asphyxiate, Ms Swanson said, “No solution is perfect and quite frankly that kind of ‘can’t do’ attitude is not what we need in a crisis. Anyway, millions of deaths would reduce the demand for public services and welfare benefits and help us pull out of recession. It’s win-win really.”
Ms Swanson was then asked if it would have been better to simply ask sick people to stay home or wear masks instead to which she replied, “Oh yeah. I hadn’t thought of that. Still, it’s too late now.”