Prince William and Kate Middleton today revealed plans to hold a soap-opera style wedding in April. ‘We feel that the country needs a lift at the moment’ explained the Prince, ‘and everybody loves a good soap wedding, so we’ve themed our big day around it. It’ll be wicked.’
The day is set to start with Kate’s car being delayed by student protests (‘thanks to Dad for that idea’ laughed William). When she gets to the church Prince Harry will intercept her to declare his undying love for her and plead with her not to marry his brother.
William will also be having second thoughts about getting hitched having been recently contacted by an ex on Facebook telling him how she’d never got over him, how about it giving it another go. ‘I’ll be seen by billions of viewers eying a nearby open window, creating some much-loved ‘will he, won’t he’ tension’ he chuckled. However, Kate, having let Harry down gently, will then send William a timely text to tell him she’s pregnant so he chooses her after all.
Meanwhile, the Archbishop of Canterbury will be getting increasingly anxious to start the ceremony as he’s got another wedding booked in afterwards, causing him to put the nuptials in jeopardy by having a suspected heart attack, which later turns out to be indigestion.
When the service eventually starts, there will of course be an anxious moment when the Archbishop asks if anyone knows any reason why they shouldn’t be married and Elton John shouts out from his piano in the corner that William’s already married to him, but fortunately for the bride and groom no-one takes him seriously.
Further mayhem will ensue at the reception at Buckingham Palace, with Prince Philip losing his rag with a yet to be decided foreign dignitary and punching him on the nose, and Prince Edward getting far too drunk and destroying the wedding cake by falling on top of it.
The whole day is expected to cost the tax-payer an estimated £100 million, but the couple have stressed that they have secured a two-for-one deal that will allow them to remarry in a few years time after divorcing when William reveals that he only married her for a bet.