The CBI has warned Britain’s cinema goers that Rocky 2011 will be a very uncomfortable film to watch but urges that it is an extremely necessary and worthwhile movie.
The murky confederation of bosses acknowledged that the sight of a tired Sylvester Stallone climbing back into a boxing ring to take on a much younger, bigger and hungrier Chinese opponent would raise eyebrows over its credibility. However they believe the uplifting theme of millions of people donating money they haven’t got so that Rocky can get off life-support into lean fighting shape and become world champion once more will give everyone a feel-good boost.
“That’s all bollocks” said the BBC’s Mark Kermode, “The screenplay for this has been widely leaked and everyone who has read it relishes sitting through Rocky 2011 like they would want to eat their own innards from a tramp’s shoe. The Chinese guy is huge, runs on a bowl of rice a day and puts in 16 hour-daily shifts in the factory then does his training. Rocky starts in a hospital bed being pumped full of drugs just to keep him alive, and even when he supposedly recovers, his still needs government help to wipe his arse. The thought that this shambling wheezy wreck finds a miracle punch whilst the Chinese guy is hosing himself laughing is ludicrous.”
The CBI insisted that the more people play ball with Rocky 2011, the better Rocky 2012 would be, allowing the franchise to be handed over to his boring son ‘Steady Eddie’ Balboa and then eventually to his crazy grandson ‘Boomer’; the one with the rapid growth problem and the unscrupulous financial advisor.